Can you guess what this is about? I'm sure you can. Much has changed since I wrote on the 8th in my ecstatic excitement. As you can guess, Amanda never came down. As a matter of fact things went a different direction. She'd disappeared on us. Turns out Master asked her a question that scared her, of course I didn't know this and it hurt me, real bad too. Felt like she'd broken my heart, no explanation, no apology, no nothing. Then they started talking again. Finally long story short, exMaster is moving to Alabama in the summer and I will be staying here in Louisiana. I can't fault them for falling in love. I can't fault the fact they seemed to click. Being poly I know that there is a chance for this, it is something that can happen. While you hope that it doesn't, sometimes life throws curve balls.
There is a small part of the old me, that I know will never leave. That feels as though she's stolen him from me. Am I bitter? No. Am I happy for them? Yes. I still love and care for both of them enough that I want them to be happy. I would rather keep them as friends than loose them completely. That is something I couldn't bare to think of. Something I don't want to think off. But with this has stirred many thoughts. Many questions, such as wondering if maybe that was why he never really 'collared' me officially among other things. I was owned, but not completely. At least it didn't feel complete to me. I had a Master who told me I was owned, but at the same time I felt incomplete. Felt less as a sub. Any sub knows that the moment that collar clicks around your neck you feel whole, complete. You finally feel as though you have purpose, that you have please Him/Her so that He/She would give you such a gift. You feel as though everything is right in the world and your life with them as their sub has finally begun officially. There is an almost, free feeling to that. A feeling I didn't get, a feeling I longed for.
I know though that there are other things. She didn't steal him, we would have ended even if she hadn't come around. SirBen is one of those who is, as you could say, 'In love with being in love'. He enjoys that feeling of new love and when it's gone, when the relationship settles from that, he gets bored. He looses interest. It's nothing his partner does, it's just him. While he thinks of me as a really good friend, he doesn't love me. That is not something I can force and to spare my own feelings, honestly, who would want to live like that? You can't make someone love you. You just can't. So we are all friends. Which I am happy with, again I would rather have them as friends than nothing at all. Besides, I found a good quote today - "We lose the people we love because they are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stubborn to let go of something that doesn't belong to us anymore." That is so true, and at least for me, I'm not being stubborn.... for once. Shocker I know haha.
"I did all I could and I gave everything, but you had to go your way, and that road was not for me."
-Luna
There is a small part of the old me, that I know will never leave. That feels as though she's stolen him from me. Am I bitter? No. Am I happy for them? Yes. I still love and care for both of them enough that I want them to be happy. I would rather keep them as friends than loose them completely. That is something I couldn't bare to think of. Something I don't want to think off. But with this has stirred many thoughts. Many questions, such as wondering if maybe that was why he never really 'collared' me officially among other things. I was owned, but not completely. At least it didn't feel complete to me. I had a Master who told me I was owned, but at the same time I felt incomplete. Felt less as a sub. Any sub knows that the moment that collar clicks around your neck you feel whole, complete. You finally feel as though you have purpose, that you have please Him/Her so that He/She would give you such a gift. You feel as though everything is right in the world and your life with them as their sub has finally begun officially. There is an almost, free feeling to that. A feeling I didn't get, a feeling I longed for.
I know though that there are other things. She didn't steal him, we would have ended even if she hadn't come around. SirBen is one of those who is, as you could say, 'In love with being in love'. He enjoys that feeling of new love and when it's gone, when the relationship settles from that, he gets bored. He looses interest. It's nothing his partner does, it's just him. While he thinks of me as a really good friend, he doesn't love me. That is not something I can force and to spare my own feelings, honestly, who would want to live like that? You can't make someone love you. You just can't. So we are all friends. Which I am happy with, again I would rather have them as friends than nothing at all. Besides, I found a good quote today - "We lose the people we love because they are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stubborn to let go of something that doesn't belong to us anymore." That is so true, and at least for me, I'm not being stubborn.... for once. Shocker I know haha.
"I did all I could and I gave everything, but you had to go your way, and that road was not for me."
-Luna
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