Day One of Not Coming...

The second round of my orgasm control. The first time around I had a two slip ups, hoping that I can go this time around with none. We shall see how it goes, I have good hopes for it though, and of course Sir knows that I can do it. After all, I did finish up the last round pretty strong. Last night I got a one on one call with Sir, something that I greatly enjoyed....not just the being able to come part lmao,...but the fact that I got to play with him and talk with him. Being long distance in this kind of relationship it's important to keep up the communication. I have never thought I'd be able to do long distance in a BDSM relationship, I've done it with a vanilla one and even then it killed me, I hated it.

My biggest trepidation was that I would have to do things to myself, believe me there is no switch in me at all. I tried it once and I think the difference is that we have talked more, we didn't just jump right into this, and well....that one didn't last but a few days and then kind of freaked me out. Luckily I didn't have to change my number or anything drastic. But I find that this time when I am doing stuff like taking a belt to my breasts, I'm enjoying it, sure not as much as I would be if he were doing it (probably be done a lot harder too :P). Perhaps it is knowing that it pleases him that makes it easy and enjoyable. Matter of fact, I am certain that is what it is. I want to please him, I want to know that I am doing things exactly as he wishes. It makes me happy to know that I am.

Like the paddle I recently bought, definitely more for his pleasure than mine. Yes, it's a paddle, and I'm a pain slut so you are probably thinking 'Why on earth wouldn't you enjoy that?' That's an easy question to answer, it has the word "EROHW" (whore) written across it so that when he smacks me hard enough he leaves that word raised on my skin. While I have no issue with slut, there is something about whore that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, I can listen to In This Moment's "Whore" which actually fits a character I created for a story, and on writing boards I can say that I am a "Plot/Charrie/Thread whore" but why can't I use that in it's true context? I don't know, when asked to debase myself with it, it becomes hard to say, hard to form the word and my mind screams not to say it, that I should lash out with words but in the end I say it. Well, I did yesterday and while I didn't enjoy saying it, I enjoyed the fact that it pleased Sir knowing that he is the only one I will ever say it for and the only one to have ever gotten me to say it.

So yesterday early I had randomly done a search just seeing if one was out there, found one on Amazon ... the last one in stock....naturally seeing that I had to buy it. So I told Sir that I got him a "Christmas Gift" because let's be honest, I can't use that on myself and I know that just the act of buying it probably pleases him as much as using it will. Today when I did my hour that I am supposed to do daily that is what I thought of while I fingered myself and used a toy. It was what when through my mind, well that and the image of him I had from yesterday. It had me so revved that by the time the hour was up I had made a mess, but proudly, did not come. I feel accomplished for this first day of round two and hopefully that I can continue to get my control under control.

Luna xo

From the Ashes, rise New Beginnings....

Can you guess what this is about? I'm sure you can. Much has changed since I wrote on the 8th in my ecstatic excitement. As you can guess, Amanda never came down. As a matter of fact things went a different direction. She'd disappeared on us. Turns out Master asked her a question that scared her, of course I didn't know this and it hurt me, real bad too. Felt like she'd broken my heart, no explanation, no apology, no nothing. Then they started talking again. Finally long story short, exMaster is moving to Alabama in the summer and I will be staying here in Louisiana. I can't fault them for falling in love. I can't fault the fact they seemed to click. Being poly I know that there is a chance for this, it is something that can happen. While you hope that it doesn't, sometimes life throws curve balls.

There is a small part of the old me, that I know will never leave. That feels as though she's stolen him from me. Am I bitter? No. Am I happy for them? Yes. I still love and care for both of them enough that I want them to be happy. I would rather keep them as friends than loose them completely. That is something I couldn't bare to think of. Something I don't want to think off. But with this has stirred many thoughts. Many questions, such as wondering if maybe that was why he never really 'collared' me officially among other things. I was owned, but not completely. At least it didn't feel complete to me. I had a Master who told me I was owned, but at the same time I felt incomplete. Felt less as a sub. Any sub knows that the moment that collar clicks around your neck you feel whole, complete. You finally feel as though you have purpose, that you have please Him/Her so that He/She would give you such a gift. You feel as though everything is right in the world and your life with them as their sub has finally begun officially. There is an almost, free feeling to that. A feeling I didn't get, a feeling I longed for.

I know though that there are other things. She didn't steal him, we would have ended even if she hadn't come around. SirBen is one of those who is, as you could say, 'In love with being in love'. He enjoys that feeling of new love and when it's gone, when the relationship settles from that, he gets bored. He looses interest. It's nothing his partner does, it's just him. While he thinks of me as a really good friend, he doesn't love me. That is not something I can force and to spare my own feelings, honestly, who would want to live like that? You can't make someone love you. You just can't. So we are all friends. Which I am happy with, again I would rather have them as friends than nothing at all. Besides, I found a good quote today - "We lose the people we love because they are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stubborn to let go of something that doesn't belong to us anymore." That is so true, and at least for me, I'm not being stubborn.... for once. Shocker I know haha.

"I did all I could and I gave everything, but you had to go your way, and that road was not for me."

-Luna

It's a sub's life...

For all my doubts these last few days have proved that I shouldn't worry too much. I am a good sub and I serve my Master with great love and duty. I have been cleaning away and making sure that I have chores done, one of those is making sure that I have job applications done. I need to find me a new job. I just hope that I find one soon. For I while I had almost felt like maybe the fact that we didn't do anything meant that I hadn't been doing anything right. Now I have seen that that isn't correct. That it has been more that things are just getting in the way than it is having to do with me.

A few nights ago Master tied me up. Which works perfectly with my bed. We finally got it set up in the room and put his in the guest room. Mine has posts so it's much easier to do things like this. It felt... I don't know how to describe it. Perfect almost? I hadn't had that feeling in a long time and came to find that I have missed it. It's like something has been missing and then suddenly I feel it again and it's like that void has been filled. I would love for us to do more play but it just doesn't seem to work that way. Which don't get me wrong, is not bad but making room for it would be nice sometimes. We both just get so busy that it's hard to keep up with stuff like that. We have the house rules and things like that but as far as play goes, it would be nice to have a little more of that in our schedule than once every great while. I enjoy pleasing my Master is is something pleases me greatly. He is not just my Master, he is my friend, my lover.

I find that I am both nervous and excited for the new sub to get her!!! She is the perfect addition and I love her. Some people would probably never understand the way we live but that is fine. They don't have to like that we are poly they just have to accept it as who we are. Amanda is lovely. We all get along great and it's just one big love fest. I can't wait until we can move her in. We have to go to Alabama to get her and both Master and I are alive with excitement. We want to go snatch her now but of course we must wait. Sometime you just have to remind yourself that 'Patience is a virture', and then you want to punch the person who said that. Patience, pfft.

-Luna