When Control Takes A Dive....

So Sunday I wrote my lovely Day 1 post about not coming and doing good.....I didn't even make it a week. It makes me feel so disappointed, I was doing so good with my control and now, I can't help but feel ashamed, and disappointed even if I did technically enjoy myself. But it's not my call to make, it's Sir's and when I am told that I cannot cum, it means that I cannot cum. I am given an hour each day to work on my orgasm control, the means of which is mostly using my finger and a toy, while watching or looking at porn. There are times that I find that perfect picture (my net isn't fast enough for video) and I hardly even look anymore. Then there are times, like today, where my mind just veers from what I am looking at and I go a completely different route.

I can't even remember what I was looking at, I know that in the picture the woman was bound but that is about all I remember of it. I thought of being bound and that wasn't even what got me, it wasn't the thought of him driving in hard, it was the thought of him pulling out and covering my pussy with his cum. Then leaving me, coming back, taking me hard again, and covering my tits. By the time I was reaching the part where I was coming, he'd given me a facial, and was finally cumming inside of me. I tried so hard to stop myself, control my breathing, control myself as I have been working on but it was pointless. I chalk it up to thinking about something that gets me so revved, I have always liked the cum shots in porn, something about watching a man cum, I just love it. I have the added ability to have finally seen that with him, and I think, all that together just did it.

Of course that is by no means an excuse. I told him what I did, because there is no sense lying, sure I live states away 'how could he know', that has never been something that crossed my mind. I would know, and I would feel guilty for keeping that from him as well as for having done it so that isn't even an option for me. He came back with my punishment, which as always (this isn't my first time I've slipped up with this) makes me feel even more abashed because just in reading it, I can see the face that he is giving me. Tonight I was to clamp my nipples for 15 minutes, and then clamp my clit for seven. I take pictures (pictures below) as I do it, which go up on my tumblr and then tonight I was told to write this blog explaining why and how I felt.

Some might ask why the pictures being put up is part of it easy, I have never been one for posting that kind of stuff on the internet. Good on the women that can do it, I never have. It has just never really sat well with me. Knowing me well like most good Doms know their subs, he knows this, so that is part of it, a bit of humiliation to go with the pain. Mostly because the pain I enjoy, it's the posting it up that is always the part that has me cringing and making faces at my phone or computer screen as I do it. I know that I will get better with this, Sir has faith, I have faith in myself. Would I like it to happen over night to avoid this kind of stuff, oh Gods yes lol. But we can't have every thing can we?

Luna xo

Day One of Not Coming...

The second round of my orgasm control. The first time around I had a two slip ups, hoping that I can go this time around with none. We shall see how it goes, I have good hopes for it though, and of course Sir knows that I can do it. After all, I did finish up the last round pretty strong. Last night I got a one on one call with Sir, something that I greatly enjoyed....not just the being able to come part lmao,...but the fact that I got to play with him and talk with him. Being long distance in this kind of relationship it's important to keep up the communication. I have never thought I'd be able to do long distance in a BDSM relationship, I've done it with a vanilla one and even then it killed me, I hated it.

My biggest trepidation was that I would have to do things to myself, believe me there is no switch in me at all. I tried it once and I think the difference is that we have talked more, we didn't just jump right into this, and well....that one didn't last but a few days and then kind of freaked me out. Luckily I didn't have to change my number or anything drastic. But I find that this time when I am doing stuff like taking a belt to my breasts, I'm enjoying it, sure not as much as I would be if he were doing it (probably be done a lot harder too :P). Perhaps it is knowing that it pleases him that makes it easy and enjoyable. Matter of fact, I am certain that is what it is. I want to please him, I want to know that I am doing things exactly as he wishes. It makes me happy to know that I am.

Like the paddle I recently bought, definitely more for his pleasure than mine. Yes, it's a paddle, and I'm a pain slut so you are probably thinking 'Why on earth wouldn't you enjoy that?' That's an easy question to answer, it has the word "EROHW" (whore) written across it so that when he smacks me hard enough he leaves that word raised on my skin. While I have no issue with slut, there is something about whore that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, I can listen to In This Moment's "Whore" which actually fits a character I created for a story, and on writing boards I can say that I am a "Plot/Charrie/Thread whore" but why can't I use that in it's true context? I don't know, when asked to debase myself with it, it becomes hard to say, hard to form the word and my mind screams not to say it, that I should lash out with words but in the end I say it. Well, I did yesterday and while I didn't enjoy saying it, I enjoyed the fact that it pleased Sir knowing that he is the only one I will ever say it for and the only one to have ever gotten me to say it.

So yesterday early I had randomly done a search just seeing if one was out there, found one on Amazon ... the last one in stock....naturally seeing that I had to buy it. So I told Sir that I got him a "Christmas Gift" because let's be honest, I can't use that on myself and I know that just the act of buying it probably pleases him as much as using it will. Today when I did my hour that I am supposed to do daily that is what I thought of while I fingered myself and used a toy. It was what when through my mind, well that and the image of him I had from yesterday. It had me so revved that by the time the hour was up I had made a mess, but proudly, did not come. I feel accomplished for this first day of round two and hopefully that I can continue to get my control under control.

Luna xo