When Control Takes A Dive....

So Sunday I wrote my lovely Day 1 post about not coming and doing good.....I didn't even make it a week. It makes me feel so disappointed, I was doing so good with my control and now, I can't help but feel ashamed, and disappointed even if I did technically enjoy myself. But it's not my call to make, it's Sir's and when I am told that I cannot cum, it means that I cannot cum. I am given an hour each day to work on my orgasm control, the means of which is mostly using my finger and a toy, while watching or looking at porn. There are times that I find that perfect picture (my net isn't fast enough for video) and I hardly even look anymore. Then there are times, like today, where my mind just veers from what I am looking at and I go a completely different route.

I can't even remember what I was looking at, I know that in the picture the woman was bound but that is about all I remember of it. I thought of being bound and that wasn't even what got me, it wasn't the thought of him driving in hard, it was the thought of him pulling out and covering my pussy with his cum. Then leaving me, coming back, taking me hard again, and covering my tits. By the time I was reaching the part where I was coming, he'd given me a facial, and was finally cumming inside of me. I tried so hard to stop myself, control my breathing, control myself as I have been working on but it was pointless. I chalk it up to thinking about something that gets me so revved, I have always liked the cum shots in porn, something about watching a man cum, I just love it. I have the added ability to have finally seen that with him, and I think, all that together just did it.

Of course that is by no means an excuse. I told him what I did, because there is no sense lying, sure I live states away 'how could he know', that has never been something that crossed my mind. I would know, and I would feel guilty for keeping that from him as well as for having done it so that isn't even an option for me. He came back with my punishment, which as always (this isn't my first time I've slipped up with this) makes me feel even more abashed because just in reading it, I can see the face that he is giving me. Tonight I was to clamp my nipples for 15 minutes, and then clamp my clit for seven. I take pictures (pictures below) as I do it, which go up on my tumblr and then tonight I was told to write this blog explaining why and how I felt.

Some might ask why the pictures being put up is part of it easy, I have never been one for posting that kind of stuff on the internet. Good on the women that can do it, I never have. It has just never really sat well with me. Knowing me well like most good Doms know their subs, he knows this, so that is part of it, a bit of humiliation to go with the pain. Mostly because the pain I enjoy, it's the posting it up that is always the part that has me cringing and making faces at my phone or computer screen as I do it. I know that I will get better with this, Sir has faith, I have faith in myself. Would I like it to happen over night to avoid this kind of stuff, oh Gods yes lol. But we can't have every thing can we?

Luna xo

Day One of Not Coming...

The second round of my orgasm control. The first time around I had a two slip ups, hoping that I can go this time around with none. We shall see how it goes, I have good hopes for it though, and of course Sir knows that I can do it. After all, I did finish up the last round pretty strong. Last night I got a one on one call with Sir, something that I greatly enjoyed....not just the being able to come part lmao,...but the fact that I got to play with him and talk with him. Being long distance in this kind of relationship it's important to keep up the communication. I have never thought I'd be able to do long distance in a BDSM relationship, I've done it with a vanilla one and even then it killed me, I hated it.

My biggest trepidation was that I would have to do things to myself, believe me there is no switch in me at all. I tried it once and I think the difference is that we have talked more, we didn't just jump right into this, and well....that one didn't last but a few days and then kind of freaked me out. Luckily I didn't have to change my number or anything drastic. But I find that this time when I am doing stuff like taking a belt to my breasts, I'm enjoying it, sure not as much as I would be if he were doing it (probably be done a lot harder too :P). Perhaps it is knowing that it pleases him that makes it easy and enjoyable. Matter of fact, I am certain that is what it is. I want to please him, I want to know that I am doing things exactly as he wishes. It makes me happy to know that I am.

Like the paddle I recently bought, definitely more for his pleasure than mine. Yes, it's a paddle, and I'm a pain slut so you are probably thinking 'Why on earth wouldn't you enjoy that?' That's an easy question to answer, it has the word "EROHW" (whore) written across it so that when he smacks me hard enough he leaves that word raised on my skin. While I have no issue with slut, there is something about whore that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, I can listen to In This Moment's "Whore" which actually fits a character I created for a story, and on writing boards I can say that I am a "Plot/Charrie/Thread whore" but why can't I use that in it's true context? I don't know, when asked to debase myself with it, it becomes hard to say, hard to form the word and my mind screams not to say it, that I should lash out with words but in the end I say it. Well, I did yesterday and while I didn't enjoy saying it, I enjoyed the fact that it pleased Sir knowing that he is the only one I will ever say it for and the only one to have ever gotten me to say it.

So yesterday early I had randomly done a search just seeing if one was out there, found one on Amazon ... the last one in stock....naturally seeing that I had to buy it. So I told Sir that I got him a "Christmas Gift" because let's be honest, I can't use that on myself and I know that just the act of buying it probably pleases him as much as using it will. Today when I did my hour that I am supposed to do daily that is what I thought of while I fingered myself and used a toy. It was what when through my mind, well that and the image of him I had from yesterday. It had me so revved that by the time the hour was up I had made a mess, but proudly, did not come. I feel accomplished for this first day of round two and hopefully that I can continue to get my control under control.

Luna xo

Of Home and New Beginnings....

They say that with death comes new beginnings, the start of something new. I would like to think that that is true. That in the passing of something, something fresh and new blooms. A part of me thought that it would take me longer, that I would have to mourn for a while. After all we'd been together a little over a year, almost two in fact, and yet there is this budding feeling within me that is telling me that I am alright, that while I want to still be telling myself I'm not, I am. Perhaps it is being faced with that which I have been waiting a very long time for, perhaps having that glimmer, having that to look forward to it has helped me to be able to move on from that path, and on to my next. It's not that I did not shed tears, not that I did want it to happen, I didn't but I feel now that there is no way I could go back to it if I tried.

So here I am, writing another 'New Beginnings' post and a part of me is wondering how many more of these will I write? Will I always be living the new beginnings, or will something finally stick, will it finally stay? I'm hoping so. There is a lot I know that I have to work on, much that I need to get right with myself before I can fully give myself to anyone, most importantly a Dom. There is something in that relationship that to me, is more intimate than any other, they know you in such a way that sees straight to your soul, to your most intimate desires, things you'd probably never tell another lover for fear off judgment or what they would think of you if they knew you wanted such a thing. It's part of the reason I know more now than before, I shouldn't have vanilla relationships. It's like suppressing a part of me that wants to come out, a part of me that needs to be seen and heard. Only someone in the lifestyle can understand it, while a vanilla could try, or tell you they are willing to learn things, in the end it's not the same.

A Dom teaches you limits, takes you to the brink has you investigate that deeper part of you and helps you to grow. They have you explore aspects and parts of you that you might never have done before. Sure, being in a normal relationship can do that too, but for the most part they don't give you what comes with that, they don't give you the other things. So you try, your best to get it out in other ways, to serve them in the way you would any Dom, you take care of them, treat them like a King because for you that is what you need to do, that is what you have to do or you will fall apart. But there is no recognition of it in the way you need, it's not that you need them to recognize what you are doing, no you need nothing in return but their pleasure, but with a Dom it's different, there is a look they give, an approving look, one that says they are deeply pleased with you; it is that look that affirms, I have done my duty, and it that look that only a Dom can give you.

Before this I had always said I couldn't do it and it was just me saying it, it wasn't that I had a multitude of experience that led me to that, it was just me knowing deep down that that was how I felt, an instinct. Then I had the relationship with my previous ex, the one I gave a title to he did not deserve. I look back on these previous entries and ask myself how I could be so naive? How I could sit there and call him that when he didn't even deserve the title 'Dom'? It makes me shake my head reading that. Then I met a great guy years later and he was wonderful, and I honestly, wish I was vanilla enough for him. I wish with everything that I could be what he needs. Tonight he told me he was sorry for the split, that he realized now he lost someone really good, and I knew when he said it he wanted to know if we could get back together, the problem is, I can't be what he needs. There is no way I can continue to deny myself what it needs, and then factor in talking to someone who is quite possibly more Dom than just about any I have met save one person.

One of the first I did a scene with, and it was just that. He wasn't looking for a new sub, but he had agreed to the scene. It is an experience I will always carry with me and he is one I will never forget, but before now, he was the only one I'd ever met truly worthy of the title, and now I am faced with another who is, and one who wants to take me in as his sub...that I cannot deny. There is nothing that could make me deny that. So it is off to home I go, to work on me, to get me right, and possibly somewhere down the road (soon or otherwise) have what I have been needing for a long time. I believe in taking chances and not letting things slip away, it's why I moved to Louisiana, it's why I've done a lot of the things I have. As a witch I believe heavily in following my intuition, and it is never wrong, just as I listen to what my tarot cards have to tell me in their guidance, and one thing I know, is that the future is full a bright possibilities, and I look forward to taking them.

Luna Xo