Of Collars and Triads

It has been a few weeks now since my return for visiting Sir and Miss. Looking back on the days leading up to it there was a lot that I wasn't expecting or even really thinking about. I was just excited to finally going to see them. I had been talking to Sir, and to Miss as well though at that point not as much. Of course that has since changed. *chuckles* No getting ahead of the story. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. My desire to please of course fueling this, will I be everything I come off over skype, will I be what is wanted in person as much as I had been over text and skype? You know the regular worries and wonders that go through your mind. And then I was in the truck driving to the airport and I was excited, through all of it I had no bad feelings about anything. My intuition has always been something I listen to. I is usually spot on, I say usually because there are times I'll admit that I don't stop to listen to it. Always listen to you intuition.

Once at the airport the nerves were back, though this time because of my disliking/fear of planes. I don't really like flying but it's not so bad that I won't do it. Of course some of those Nerves were due to my usual when it comes to finally seeing people face to face. But that of course is the Social Anxiety, yes even if I get comfortable with someone through other means I'm still going to be nervous meeting them in person. It's how I have always been. Landing was rough, I'm going to chalk that up to the pilot because return trip we had turbulence but that landing was smooth. So I was a bit frayed from the flight, luckily it wasn't a crowded flight so I didn't have that on top of it. I had some time to compose myself since traffic was bad, so I got to sit a bit after getting my luggage and work out those nerves so that I wasn't a bundle of broken nerves when I met them.

Needless to say that meant that I wasn't paying much attention when they arrived. But it was a good greeting even, if I was all nervy and shy like. Honestly, minus the whole social anxiety thing I felt very comfortable with them. There was none of the 'not right' feelings at all. I had a very busy first day lol. We stopped at the mall after they picked me up, and luckily it wasn't very busy so that helped with my crowd issue. Then we went to get Sushi and I got to meet a friend of theirs, and Sir's mentor in the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism). I had a really good time, even if that was a lot for one day and not even half of what we did. But I know that I was glad to finally be there.

As with many things there are always unexpected things that crop up that you weren't expecting at all. A lot of times those things a good unexpected things, in this case it was most certainly a good thing. Miss and I clicked really well and it went from me being just Sir's second sub, to being both of theirs. It is something that I am really happy for the outcome of. I wouldn't have minded it either way, but I won't lie I prefer it this way. So of course once I got back home I made sure to be in contact with Miss more. Even if there are times I feel like I'm being annoying or bugging, shoot I feel that way with Sir too. But I always remind myself that it is not how they feel, it is just my anxiety making me feel that way. I often find that I have to tell myself things like that often. Sometimes the thing that makes me most awkward is the anxiety, wondering why I can be as normal as other people. It's certainly a work in progress.

On my last day there I got my collar, another thing that I was not expecting. I've waited a long time for it and thought that it would be a while before I would be getting it, even if things went so well I ended up staying another week. What made it even more special is that I got to make it, Miss taught me how to do the braiding. She set it up and then I got to do the braiding and she put the clasps onto it. When Sir put it on me, I don't even think there are words that compare to that feeling. I wish I could explain it well. It's like everything clicks into place it becomes so much more than it was moments ago. A feeling of completeness, oneness. I had hoped that I would be able to describe this better, always thought I would be able to, well of course I did I didn't really know what it was like.

Being home has been hard, while I know it won't be for long it is still hard being away from both of them. Not just them either, I do miss their daughter too. I had a lot of fun there and in a way came back different than I had been before, happier and in a way, more complete than I had been. Sleeping has been a bit tricky but I just remind myself that I won't have to endure it long. I cuddle my stuffies that I got while I was there and it helps. Every day I remember that soon I will be there, that being this far sucks but it will only suck for so long.

Luna XO

New Experiences and That W Word

Last night was one of my calls with Sir, this one was different though, but certainly not in a bad way. Different in that good way that gives you butterflies and makes you nervous in an excited way. His other sub (his wife) was sitting in, she'll be referenced in this as Miss as she is a switch and that was the aspect she was sitting in as. It was something that I have always wanted to try, that thing that being a poly sub you think about but never really tell anyone because sadly a majority of your friends are not only vanilla, but monog (I can hear the little violins playing, thank you all ;p). I have done scenes with a Domme, but they weren't on calls, and more in a chat like setting. So my experience with it is limited.

But I have to say, it was something that I enjoyed. I had a bit of a nervous rocky start, but I'm usually nervous when I start something new like this. I've always been that way, slightly awkward when it comes to certain things especially if they are social, yay social anxiety. I believe that Social Anxiety Subs Anonymous needs to become a thing, my friend who coined that knows who she is if she is reading this. It doesn't necessarily mean that I am not enjoying something, or that I don't like something, it's just me and once I acclimate to the situation I'm good. One thing I have always liked, is that Sir is good about asking me how I'm doing. A Dom that cares about their sub's well being is a treasure, and sadly, not really something I was used to before him. But I have found you get used to it very quickly, and come to cherish it.

Most of my calls with him are pretty intense, and I won't lie, I am glad the intense stuff happens with him on the other side of a computer screen. I think it would be harder if it were just me alone. He had me start with the belt, which is pretty usual, and I think I'm getting a little better using it on my breasts. It's an awkward position, beating yourself, and really, never been something I have been into. I have always had a hard time with enjoying it, could never get into it. I think I have figured that out, with those times, it was over the phone, or recording it for that particular Dom (who didn't last very long by any means as he was in New York, and I in Louisiana). I get into it more with this because I can see his reaction, I can hear him saying what he would no doubt be saying if I were kneeling before him.

I can close my eyes and see Sir doing it, though I have no doubt his lashes would be harder. But then him being a sadist calls to my masochist and is probably one of the big things that makes me excited for when I can be face to face. I enjoy what he has me do to myself and that is something I have never thought I would say. I ended the other because I couldn't do long distance in a D/s relationship and years later I laugh that I am in one now. I think the big difference is that I have talked to him over skype, only talked to the other over text, and leaving messages for him that he wanted me to leave. It helps you to trust when you can see the face, and hear the voice, at least for me. It also helps that I knew both Sir and Miss before he asked me to be his sub.

Whatever it is that makes me trust, I enjoy what he has me do to myself. Whether it is the belt, my brush, clothes pins, or even, the paddle. I am still waiting for the 'Let's see if you can hit yourself hard enough to mark yourself'. I am sure it will be coming soon. He had me show it to Miss, and I made the comment along the lines of 'the word I don't like' and Sir came back with something along the lines of 'You like it when I use it'. Of course the answer was yes, and of course when he added the bit about it making my cunt constrict, the answer again is yes. All the while there is a voice in my head yelling at me, asking me how I can enjoy being called such a thing. Telling me to get a backbone don't take that. I figure that is the voice of my disliking of that word. Against any disliking of it, it does get me wet when he uses it, it does make me feel giddy in that way a sub does when their Dom speaks to them like that.

Using that paddled on my cunt was probably the sexiest thing I have ever endured. What made it all the more was listening to Sir and Miss and their comments while I was doing it. It wasn't just Sir praising which made it more in some way. Of course I have always had the share fantasies of being shown off or shared around. It was always something I was iffy on, of course it takes something like this to realize it's not iffy. I really do get off on that. Miss let me cum, but I had to cum from the paddle, which, there is a part of me that is surprised that it worked. I'd never done that before, and yes I am a Painslut but I had that nervousness and that thought of well darn, that's not gonna happen. Boy was I wrong, never second guess yourself boys and girls, or do, it can be kind of fun when you do what you think you can't do.

To some up this experience, it is probably the sexiest thing that I have done and I don't say that often. I probably should, I've gotten much better with my confidence and self-esteem but I do still have my moments where I laugh at the prospect of being sexy, beautiful yes, pretty, yes, but sexy, eh maybe. But this, this is definitely the sexiest thing I have done. So hearing that it was hot as hell to watch, well that makes me feel pretty darn accomplished, their enjoyment is what I aim for, it's what any sub aims for. Getting that praise, that is cloud nine stuff right there.

I am at a month and a day now for my control, today will mark day one when I do my dailies. I did very good this last round as you cant tell. fluffs the blog No punishment blogs, now lets see if I can keep that up huh? And hopefully when next you hear from me it will be a month and a day from now.

^-^ Luna xo

When Control Takes A Dive....

So Sunday I wrote my lovely Day 1 post about not coming and doing good.....I didn't even make it a week. It makes me feel so disappointed, I was doing so good with my control and now, I can't help but feel ashamed, and disappointed even if I did technically enjoy myself. But it's not my call to make, it's Sir's and when I am told that I cannot cum, it means that I cannot cum. I am given an hour each day to work on my orgasm control, the means of which is mostly using my finger and a toy, while watching or looking at porn. There are times that I find that perfect picture (my net isn't fast enough for video) and I hardly even look anymore. Then there are times, like today, where my mind just veers from what I am looking at and I go a completely different route.

I can't even remember what I was looking at, I know that in the picture the woman was bound but that is about all I remember of it. I thought of being bound and that wasn't even what got me, it wasn't the thought of him driving in hard, it was the thought of him pulling out and covering my pussy with his cum. Then leaving me, coming back, taking me hard again, and covering my tits. By the time I was reaching the part where I was coming, he'd given me a facial, and was finally cumming inside of me. I tried so hard to stop myself, control my breathing, control myself as I have been working on but it was pointless. I chalk it up to thinking about something that gets me so revved, I have always liked the cum shots in porn, something about watching a man cum, I just love it. I have the added ability to have finally seen that with him, and I think, all that together just did it.

Of course that is by no means an excuse. I told him what I did, because there is no sense lying, sure I live states away 'how could he know', that has never been something that crossed my mind. I would know, and I would feel guilty for keeping that from him as well as for having done it so that isn't even an option for me. He came back with my punishment, which as always (this isn't my first time I've slipped up with this) makes me feel even more abashed because just in reading it, I can see the face that he is giving me. Tonight I was to clamp my nipples for 15 minutes, and then clamp my clit for seven. I take pictures (pictures below) as I do it, which go up on my tumblr and then tonight I was told to write this blog explaining why and how I felt.

Some might ask why the pictures being put up is part of it easy, I have never been one for posting that kind of stuff on the internet. Good on the women that can do it, I never have. It has just never really sat well with me. Knowing me well like most good Doms know their subs, he knows this, so that is part of it, a bit of humiliation to go with the pain. Mostly because the pain I enjoy, it's the posting it up that is always the part that has me cringing and making faces at my phone or computer screen as I do it. I know that I will get better with this, Sir has faith, I have faith in myself. Would I like it to happen over night to avoid this kind of stuff, oh Gods yes lol. But we can't have every thing can we?

Luna xo

Day One of Not Coming...

The second round of my orgasm control. The first time around I had a two slip ups, hoping that I can go this time around with none. We shall see how it goes, I have good hopes for it though, and of course Sir knows that I can do it. After all, I did finish up the last round pretty strong. Last night I got a one on one call with Sir, something that I greatly enjoyed....not just the being able to come part lmao,...but the fact that I got to play with him and talk with him. Being long distance in this kind of relationship it's important to keep up the communication. I have never thought I'd be able to do long distance in a BDSM relationship, I've done it with a vanilla one and even then it killed me, I hated it.

My biggest trepidation was that I would have to do things to myself, believe me there is no switch in me at all. I tried it once and I think the difference is that we have talked more, we didn't just jump right into this, and well....that one didn't last but a few days and then kind of freaked me out. Luckily I didn't have to change my number or anything drastic. But I find that this time when I am doing stuff like taking a belt to my breasts, I'm enjoying it, sure not as much as I would be if he were doing it (probably be done a lot harder too :P). Perhaps it is knowing that it pleases him that makes it easy and enjoyable. Matter of fact, I am certain that is what it is. I want to please him, I want to know that I am doing things exactly as he wishes. It makes me happy to know that I am.

Like the paddle I recently bought, definitely more for his pleasure than mine. Yes, it's a paddle, and I'm a pain slut so you are probably thinking 'Why on earth wouldn't you enjoy that?' That's an easy question to answer, it has the word "EROHW" (whore) written across it so that when he smacks me hard enough he leaves that word raised on my skin. While I have no issue with slut, there is something about whore that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Sure, I can listen to In This Moment's "Whore" which actually fits a character I created for a story, and on writing boards I can say that I am a "Plot/Charrie/Thread whore" but why can't I use that in it's true context? I don't know, when asked to debase myself with it, it becomes hard to say, hard to form the word and my mind screams not to say it, that I should lash out with words but in the end I say it. Well, I did yesterday and while I didn't enjoy saying it, I enjoyed the fact that it pleased Sir knowing that he is the only one I will ever say it for and the only one to have ever gotten me to say it.

So yesterday early I had randomly done a search just seeing if one was out there, found one on Amazon ... the last one in stock....naturally seeing that I had to buy it. So I told Sir that I got him a "Christmas Gift" because let's be honest, I can't use that on myself and I know that just the act of buying it probably pleases him as much as using it will. Today when I did my hour that I am supposed to do daily that is what I thought of while I fingered myself and used a toy. It was what when through my mind, well that and the image of him I had from yesterday. It had me so revved that by the time the hour was up I had made a mess, but proudly, did not come. I feel accomplished for this first day of round two and hopefully that I can continue to get my control under control.

Luna xo

Of Home and New Beginnings....

They say that with death comes new beginnings, the start of something new. I would like to think that that is true. That in the passing of something, something fresh and new blooms. A part of me thought that it would take me longer, that I would have to mourn for a while. After all we'd been together a little over a year, almost two in fact, and yet there is this budding feeling within me that is telling me that I am alright, that while I want to still be telling myself I'm not, I am. Perhaps it is being faced with that which I have been waiting a very long time for, perhaps having that glimmer, having that to look forward to it has helped me to be able to move on from that path, and on to my next. It's not that I did not shed tears, not that I did want it to happen, I didn't but I feel now that there is no way I could go back to it if I tried.

So here I am, writing another 'New Beginnings' post and a part of me is wondering how many more of these will I write? Will I always be living the new beginnings, or will something finally stick, will it finally stay? I'm hoping so. There is a lot I know that I have to work on, much that I need to get right with myself before I can fully give myself to anyone, most importantly a Dom. There is something in that relationship that to me, is more intimate than any other, they know you in such a way that sees straight to your soul, to your most intimate desires, things you'd probably never tell another lover for fear off judgment or what they would think of you if they knew you wanted such a thing. It's part of the reason I know more now than before, I shouldn't have vanilla relationships. It's like suppressing a part of me that wants to come out, a part of me that needs to be seen and heard. Only someone in the lifestyle can understand it, while a vanilla could try, or tell you they are willing to learn things, in the end it's not the same.

A Dom teaches you limits, takes you to the brink has you investigate that deeper part of you and helps you to grow. They have you explore aspects and parts of you that you might never have done before. Sure, being in a normal relationship can do that too, but for the most part they don't give you what comes with that, they don't give you the other things. So you try, your best to get it out in other ways, to serve them in the way you would any Dom, you take care of them, treat them like a King because for you that is what you need to do, that is what you have to do or you will fall apart. But there is no recognition of it in the way you need, it's not that you need them to recognize what you are doing, no you need nothing in return but their pleasure, but with a Dom it's different, there is a look they give, an approving look, one that says they are deeply pleased with you; it is that look that affirms, I have done my duty, and it that look that only a Dom can give you.

Before this I had always said I couldn't do it and it was just me saying it, it wasn't that I had a multitude of experience that led me to that, it was just me knowing deep down that that was how I felt, an instinct. Then I had the relationship with my previous ex, the one I gave a title to he did not deserve. I look back on these previous entries and ask myself how I could be so naive? How I could sit there and call him that when he didn't even deserve the title 'Dom'? It makes me shake my head reading that. Then I met a great guy years later and he was wonderful, and I honestly, wish I was vanilla enough for him. I wish with everything that I could be what he needs. Tonight he told me he was sorry for the split, that he realized now he lost someone really good, and I knew when he said it he wanted to know if we could get back together, the problem is, I can't be what he needs. There is no way I can continue to deny myself what it needs, and then factor in talking to someone who is quite possibly more Dom than just about any I have met save one person.

One of the first I did a scene with, and it was just that. He wasn't looking for a new sub, but he had agreed to the scene. It is an experience I will always carry with me and he is one I will never forget, but before now, he was the only one I'd ever met truly worthy of the title, and now I am faced with another who is, and one who wants to take me in as his sub...that I cannot deny. There is nothing that could make me deny that. So it is off to home I go, to work on me, to get me right, and possibly somewhere down the road (soon or otherwise) have what I have been needing for a long time. I believe in taking chances and not letting things slip away, it's why I moved to Louisiana, it's why I've done a lot of the things I have. As a witch I believe heavily in following my intuition, and it is never wrong, just as I listen to what my tarot cards have to tell me in their guidance, and one thing I know, is that the future is full a bright possibilities, and I look forward to taking them.

Luna Xo

The Vanilla Life

It has been a long time since I have wrote in here. Mainly because, it has been a really long time since I have been able to do play of any kind, or even the smallest scene. Going from living it to nothing .... it's hard. Really hard. I'm in a new relationship now, a vanilla one. It is definitely something that a big part of me feels....left out. Neglected almost. I've always been a sub. While it is something that I can do, and am doing gladly because, well, I love him. It's still hard to turn off those desires. To turn off those yearnings. A collar to a sub is like euphoria. Like a man slipping a ring on your finger and telling you that you are his. It's something that I've wanted for a long time. My friends dream of weddings, I'm dreaming of a collaring ceremony.

He knows that I am a sub. He knows that this is my only vanilla relationship, and in all of this, he actually is learning it for me. Learning the things that I would want, that would make me happy just as much as I do things that make him happy. For me, that is a big thing. I need that dominance. I need that structure. That for me is my way of feeling loved. I don't want the gentle love, I want firm love. I need the rules, I need everything that goes with it. Having someone understand that, and who is willing to learn that, it amazing. It's really, almost a blessing in a way. For me that is like feeling that things are lacking, feeling like something isn't there that needs to be there. So having it filled, it makes me even happier in the relationship.

Of course, because of this my writing has picked up more. Hopefully I can have something to post. For now, that is my only outlet for scenes. My only way to get that release because in those moments of writing it, I can feel as though I am right there. I am the sub in that scene. It makes it hard when I do my writing sites with friends. Sure, I can play a good Dom on an rpg board, but I gotta have my submissive characters because in the end, that is what I am. A lot has happened these last few years, lots of moving, lots of nothing as far as my BDSM life. But things are good, and I look forward to seeing where my new journey will take me.

I Wanna Do Bad Things To You (BDSM Erotica)

She'd been to the club many times. She knew the protocol. The moment she entered one of the girls smiled and led her to the changing room. The collar and chain leash were already laid out. That was it. Nothing more. Mistress had told her when she started what she would be wearing. It didn't fluxuate, nor did it change. The collar and leash were always the same, only thing that varied were the heels. Sometimes she'd be wearing a pair and sometimes, like tonight, she wouldn't be. She placed the collar on and made her way out the back door towards the private rooms. The room they used was always the same. Like the collar and leash, it never changed. She moved to the door knocked twice and opened it. "May this one enter Mistress?" She kept her feet shoulder width apart, chin up, eyes lowered with her hands behind her back. "Yes my dear, close the door." She nodded. "Yes Mistress."

After closing the door she turned, took up the same stance, and spoke again. "Where would Mistress have this one?" She waited with patience for her Mistress to tell her where to stand. She would stand there all night if it pleased her Mistress. That was her purpose after all, her goal, the only thing she wanted. To please her Mistress above all things. "Come sit my dear." Her Mistress said pointing to the spot beside her feet. She moved forward at the comand. "Yes Mistress." Once she reached her she sat upon her knees, bottom resting on her heels, and waited for her next command. Mistress stroked her hair telling her what a pretty girl she was. She couldn't help but smile. It pleased her to know that she pleased her Mistress so. There was nothing more a sub wanted than to please her Mistress. Nothing more at all. "Are you ready for what I have planned my dear?" She stayed perfectly still. "Oh yes Mistress." A hand was place under her chin lifting her head to lock eyes with her Mistress. "I want to do bad things with you my dear." Mistress said with a smile. She wanted Mistress to do bad things with her. "What ever you wish Mistress I shall give you gladly."

Mistress smiled stroking her cheek. "Such a good girl." Then taking her leash told her to stand and directed her to where she wanted her. From a hook placed in the cement floor was rope. Hanging from the ceiling was one of the suspention hooks. Before Miss did anythign with the rope, an ankle restraint bar was placed on her ankles to keep her legs apart and yet shackled so as not to have too much movement. Mistress got her elbows tightly bound together first, then she was stappado'd to a pully. Rope was then woven into the bun of her hair and attached to the pully keping her head back and then bound her neck and pulling it down to the floor by connecting it to the rope connected to the hook in the floor. Mistress talked to her the whole time. Asked her if she had been a good girl, if she had behaved. Mistress went to her selection of floggers and whips and returned with a bullwhip flogger. She anticipated what Mistress was going to do and when the first blow landed on her ass she cried out. Blow after blow followed until not only was her ass red, but hot from the lashing. The pain stung but felt so good as did the feeling of the ropes getting tighter as she moved.

The pully was raised before Mistress started on anything else. Just a few inches causeing it to tighten up, pulling her arms up higher. A whip was next, this time it was her back, and the backs of her thighs that were lashed. With each snap she cried out for more. Mistress asked if she was enjoying this. "Yes Mistress." Came her strangled answer. but it was too soft. A hard lash landed across the bottom of her ass. "Louder, I couldn't hear you my dear." She said her tone firm but never loosing that soothing touch to it. "Yes Mistress." She choked out louder this time. Mistress pet her head and raised the pully more. By the time they were done her feet barely managed to touch the ground. The rope at her neck that ran to the floor kept her in place causing the rest of her body to be stretched and pulled. Mistress placed a vibrator between her legs before taking up a paddle and smacking the front of her pussy a few times.

She couldn't help but cry out at the lovely mix of the pleasure and pain. It was almost too much. She'd long entered her subspace where she would do anything for her Mistress. That had been entered the moment the flogger was taken to her. Mistress came around to her front to take the paddle to each breast until it was red and then went back to assulting her pussy. The combination of both cause her to come quickly. Mistress moved forward placing a kiss to her cheek. "You were such a good girl for me my dear. Did you enjoy yourself?" She answered her Mistress in a slightly cracked voice. "Yes Mistress." Once she was removed she lay against her Mistress while she pet her hair. "Do you like me to do bad things with you?" She smiled against her Misrtess. "Yes Mistress."