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Monday, October 5, 2015

Of Home and New Beginnings....

They say that with death comes new beginnings, the start of something new. I would like to think that that is true. That in the passing of something, something fresh and new blooms. A part of me thought that it would take me longer, that I would have to mourn for a while. After all we'd been together a little over a year, almost two in fact, and yet there is this budding feeling within me that is telling me that I am alright, that while I want to still be telling myself I'm not, I am. Perhaps it is being faced with that which I have been waiting a very long time for, perhaps having that glimmer, having that to look forward to it has helped me to be able to move on from that path, and on to my next. It's not that I did not shed tears, not that I did want it to happen, I didn't but I feel now that there is no way I could go back to it if I tried.

So here I am, writing another 'New Beginnings' post and a part of me is wondering how many more of these will I write? Will I always be living the new beginnings, or will something finally stick, will it finally stay? I'm hoping so. There is a lot I know that I have to work on, much that I need to get right with myself before I can fully give myself to anyone, most importantly a Dom. There is something in that relationship that to me, is more intimate than any other, they know you in such a way that sees straight to your soul, to your most intimate desires, things you'd probably never tell another lover for fear off judgment or what they would think of you if they knew you wanted such a thing. It's part of the reason I know more now than before, I shouldn't have vanilla relationships. It's like suppressing a part of me that wants to come out, a part of me that needs to be seen and heard. Only someone in the lifestyle can understand it, while a vanilla could try, or tell you they are willing to learn things, in the end it's not the same.

A Dom teaches you limits, takes you to the brink has you investigate that deeper part of you and helps you to grow. They have you explore aspects and parts of you that you might never have done before. Sure, being in a normal relationship can do that too, but for the most part they don't give you what comes with that, they don't give you the other things. So you try, your best to get it out in other ways, to serve them in the way you would any Dom, you take care of them, treat them like a King because for you that is what you need to do, that is what you have to do or you will fall apart. But there is no recognition of it in the way you need, it's not that you need them to recognize what you are doing, no you need nothing in return but their pleasure, but with a Dom it's different, there is a look they give, an approving look, one that says they are deeply pleased with you; it is that look that affirms, I have done my duty, and it that look that only a Dom can give you.

Before this I had always said I couldn't do it and it was just me saying it, it wasn't that I had a multitude of experience that led me to that, it was just me knowing deep down that that was how I felt, an instinct. Then I had the relationship with my previous ex, the one I gave a title to he did not deserve. I look back on these previous entries and ask myself how I could be so naive? How I could sit there and call him that when he didn't even deserve the title 'Dom'? It makes me shake my head reading that. Then I met a great guy years later and he was wonderful, and I honestly, wish I was vanilla enough for him. I wish with everything that I could be what he needs. Tonight he told me he was sorry for the split, that he realized now he lost someone really good, and I knew when he said it he wanted to know if we could get back together, the problem is, I can't be what he needs. There is no way I can continue to deny myself what it needs, and then factor in talking to someone who is quite possibly more Dom than just about any I have met save one person.


One of the first I did a scene with, and it was just that. He wasn't looking for a new sub, but he had agreed to the scene. It is an experience I will always carry with me and he is one I will never forget, but before now, he was the only one I'd ever met truly worthy of the title, and now I am faced with another who is, and one who wants to take me in as his sub...that I cannot deny. There is nothing that could make me deny that. So it is off to home I go, to work on me, to get me right, and possibly somewhere down the road (soon or otherwise) have what I have been needing for a long time. I believe in taking chances and not letting things slip away, it's why I moved to Louisiana, it's why I've done a lot of the things I have. As a witch I believe heavily in following my intuition, and it is never wrong, just as I listen to what my tarot cards have to tell me in their guidance, and one thing I know, is that the future is full a bright possibilities, and I look forward to taking them.

Luna Xo